Day Two : I Hope You Know

Maybe I'm selfish.

I feel like everyone is always staring at me, judging me and looking at me in disgust. So, maybe I AM selfish. Or, maybe I am crazy, either way I still feel it is the absolute truth. We all have beliefs about ourselves right? We believe we are too fat, too skinny, too white, too short, too tall, etc. But why do we need to feel that way? Why is it SO impossible to feel.....just right?

Society. That is your answer. We are simply watching our favorite television show on a Saturday night, and then a stupid Victoria's Secret commercial comes on. "showing how the bras and panties fit", but all you can focus on is how these girl can fit inside these undergarments! Most of the time the girls are just wearing normal looking panties and bras! OH! and they are wearing wings, which you cannot even buy at Victoria's Secret. And this is just for us ladies. Men maybe are forced (by their girlfriends) to watch a girly show, and here pops up a commercial for Calvin Kline cologne. What do we see on this commercial? Everything EXCEPT the dang cologne. Shirtless men, with 8-packs, and super toned muscles, oh and they are tan and just good-looking. And then at the VERY end you see a millisecond of what the cologne looks like. The commercial doesn't tell us how great the smell is, or hell what it even smells like! 

The commercial ends and what do we see in ourselves after that? Fat, lazy, ugly individuals. But why do we see that? I just do not understand it.

I may be getting a little off topic but this really gets to me because I am constantly battling my confidence levels. Then just when I think (For half a second) that I am pretty, I see one of those stupid commercials. I then go right back to feeling terrible about myself. So, not only do i have super low confidence levels, now i have super low confidence levels and want to eat a salad.

Nobody really likes salad, unless it is drenched in ranch and has chicken, cheese and french fries included (yum).

Anyways, I'm not the only person in the wold who has low self-esteem issues. . . But I am the only person who knows what my own self-esteem issues are like. I will be honest, I have a boyfriend who tells me i'm perfect, beautiful and selfless. . . but I cannot push myself to believe him. Again, I was torn down my entire life by people telling me i will never be good enough. So how can i believe this guy who says not only those things above, but that he loves me? I guess in a way, i need him. Without him i feel alone, scared, and depressed. That may sound cliche but i really don't care. My Entire Life i was pushed to be independent, and to be honest i just don't want to be independent anymore. I want to ALLOW myself to depend on someone else. He is willing to let me, so I need to try to believe the words he says.

I hope you all know that you are better than those stupid ugly commercials you watch on TV. You are better than that crappy smelling cologne too! Who needs Calvin Kline? I hope you know that you will amount to something, and you don't have to be toned, tough, skinny and strong to get there. You need to be who you are. Don't change yourself just because everyone else around you is telling you that you need to. 

I hope you know that i believe we should all say, "Screw society."

Day Two: Complete

Day One : Who are YOU?

I am a woman,
I am 20 years old, 
I am average weight,
I have brown hair,
and I have blue eyes
This is who I am.

Why are you better than me?
Maybe you are older, wiser, skinnier, prettier, have green eyes and blonde hair.
But, my question still remains, why are you any better than me?

This question is something that remains in my head day in and day out. Someone that is different than others, is walking into a cafeteria, everyone stares at her in disgust. Why? Because she has brown eyes, or she has more pounds than others, or maybe she is just a quiet person. Where does she end up sitting? By herself.

What do you ACTUALLY know about this  young girl? Nothing. She could have a Thyroid disorder, she could have social anxiety, she could be diagnosed with a form of Autism, or she could just be someone who likes to be alone. You don't know because all you decide to do is judge who she looks like she is.

I start with ^ that because i'm that girl people stare at for being on the chubby-side, i like to be by myself, i have depression, i have social anxiety, and i have many panic attacks. I walk into a room with people I don't know, and i just feel uncomfortable and full of sadness. All eyes are always on me, or at least, it feels that way. To be honest I don't weigh that much, you can't physically tell i have depression or panic attacks, you may be able to tell I sit alone because i have social anxiety, but  in my eyes everyone knows everything about me. Also, the fact that people in the world these days are self-centered, egotistical, jerks towards people they don't know, makes it even worse for me to even leave my room to be in that cafeteria.

I have heard all of the words, "fat, psycho, selfish, bitch, whore, worthless, useless, waste of life, ugly, disgusting, wimp, loser, etc" and let me tell you, that does not help my depression. I know people say 'sticks and stones may break my bones . . . . " but, they lie. Words definitely do hurt. They hurt more than someone punching you in the face. I would rather someone beat me up, then call me those horrible things above.

Someone in my life that was supposed to love me unconditionally, tore my life apart. I thought i would get over it when i grew up, but it only got worse. Those words STICK. I wake up and look at myself in the mirror, and feel sick. I can't look at myself and say one nice thing. Not one. I can find something wrong with every single part of who i am. I wake up some days and can't even leave my bedroom because I am too scared to approach the real world outside of my comfort zone. I can't even visit with the family that i love because I am too scared of them. I am terrified to death of them. I don't know why, maybe because i'm terrified of being loved. That is the scariest thing because you NEVER know when they are going to leave your life. 

I need love, though. WE need love. Because without love, what is the point of our lives?


You now know who i am;
Time to figure out who you are.


Day One : Complete