Day One : Who are YOU?

I am a woman,
I am 20 years old, 
I am average weight,
I have brown hair,
and I have blue eyes
This is who I am.

Why are you better than me?
Maybe you are older, wiser, skinnier, prettier, have green eyes and blonde hair.
But, my question still remains, why are you any better than me?

This question is something that remains in my head day in and day out. Someone that is different than others, is walking into a cafeteria, everyone stares at her in disgust. Why? Because she has brown eyes, or she has more pounds than others, or maybe she is just a quiet person. Where does she end up sitting? By herself.

What do you ACTUALLY know about this  young girl? Nothing. She could have a Thyroid disorder, she could have social anxiety, she could be diagnosed with a form of Autism, or she could just be someone who likes to be alone. You don't know because all you decide to do is judge who she looks like she is.

I start with ^ that because i'm that girl people stare at for being on the chubby-side, i like to be by myself, i have depression, i have social anxiety, and i have many panic attacks. I walk into a room with people I don't know, and i just feel uncomfortable and full of sadness. All eyes are always on me, or at least, it feels that way. To be honest I don't weigh that much, you can't physically tell i have depression or panic attacks, you may be able to tell I sit alone because i have social anxiety, but  in my eyes everyone knows everything about me. Also, the fact that people in the world these days are self-centered, egotistical, jerks towards people they don't know, makes it even worse for me to even leave my room to be in that cafeteria.

I have heard all of the words, "fat, psycho, selfish, bitch, whore, worthless, useless, waste of life, ugly, disgusting, wimp, loser, etc" and let me tell you, that does not help my depression. I know people say 'sticks and stones may break my bones . . . . " but, they lie. Words definitely do hurt. They hurt more than someone punching you in the face. I would rather someone beat me up, then call me those horrible things above.

Someone in my life that was supposed to love me unconditionally, tore my life apart. I thought i would get over it when i grew up, but it only got worse. Those words STICK. I wake up and look at myself in the mirror, and feel sick. I can't look at myself and say one nice thing. Not one. I can find something wrong with every single part of who i am. I wake up some days and can't even leave my bedroom because I am too scared to approach the real world outside of my comfort zone. I can't even visit with the family that i love because I am too scared of them. I am terrified to death of them. I don't know why, maybe because i'm terrified of being loved. That is the scariest thing because you NEVER know when they are going to leave your life. 

I need love, though. WE need love. Because without love, what is the point of our lives?


You now know who i am;
Time to figure out who you are.


Day One : Complete